Fourteen

What do you do when you start caring about someone. Like legitimacy caring. Such as feeling ill when then other person is upset. Or feeling such helplessness when you can't really help them. I feel like it's more an affliction than it is something to view as a good thing. I can't tell you how many times my day has been negatively effected by that. For example, I was once sitting in class next to the boy I really liked. But my feelings had surpassed more than just crushing, I genuinely put his happiness above my own. And he looked absolutely crushed about something. He looked so sad and so alone, all I wanted to do was comfort him and just somehow, anyway, make him feel better. But we were not close enough so really all I could do was sit there and watch him be upset. And it was killing me, I honestly started crying for him. I just wanted him to feel better so bad.  

Since then this affliction of over-dramatic, overwhelming empathy has gotten worse. Its gotten to the point where if a person I realllly care about is in physical distress, I will actually adapt my own body to feeling that same distress. On accident. I don't try to feel sick my body just thinks, for some reason, that I should feel the same thing. I can normally keep it under control, but if I think about the other person too much, it can get bad. And i'm not sure if I can attribute this to my bi-polar or not, but it feels like it could be in the same category, because along with the physical adaptation, I also get mentally upset. My mind will start inferring what the other person is thinking while they are physically hurting. And the way my mind does that is by looking back at my own experiences when I am in physical distress. And when I am in physical distress I tend to get really depressed and sometimes borderline suicidal. So for some reason my mind and body adapt to how I THINK the other person could be feeling solely based on personal experience. And all this happens without me wanting it to. 

And so now, that I have someone that on a regular level, feels sick, its sometimes hard to keep myself out of a pit of sadness. And sometimes I feel like crying, and sometimes I feel pain in my chest for them, and I know its probably unsympathetic to make their pain about me, but that's what happens. And I honestly don't think there is a way to stop this. And if there was a way to stop it, i'm not sure I would want to, because while feeling such secondhand pain, sucks, I also adapt to when people are feeling really good. I get secondhand highs, and secondhand happiness. All this while still having my own feelings and thoughts and emotions. So while the secondhand joy is harder to spot, it really is a wonderful affliction. 

Thirteen

What is self harm? Obviously I know what it is. I know the physical definition of it, but what IS it? everything surrounding it is a vague mystery that has only really been eluded to. Self harm is, within my knowledge, the act of inflicting pain on oneself. Perhaps by way of cutting or burning. That much I know and understand. But what would cause a person to do this to themselves, and to what degree is this a bad thing? Okay. We can start with the idea that people cut themselves because they do not think they are worthy. Or they are for some reason unhappy with themselves. With this reason to harm yourself, in doing so is one punishing themselves? Is it something people do as a way of symbolizing their worthlessness? Are they doing it because they believe they deserve it?  Or is it more of a feelings thing. somehow the feeling of pain possibly helps one relate/connect with their feelings of lowness? Or one of many many other reasons to harm. I do not claim to have understanding or knowledge on this type of harm. I have no personal experience with feelings of low self worth, that are commonly linked with self harm.
One reason, however, of self harm that I do understand, is the reason that when one so deeply wants to die. or has such deep inner turmoil that the concentration it takes to harm oneself, the endorphin's released, as well as the distraction of physical pain, kind of focuses the brain on the pain. Allowing relief from the turmoil and suicidal cravings. It calms the brain down the way nothing else can. This takes me to the question. To what degree is self harm a bad thing. I can not speak for self harm for any other reason then the reason I just gave, but if it does relax the brain and make one feel relief from inner turmoil, then how can that not be, at least, acceptable thing? I, of course understand the dangers, if you cut yourself too deep. But if its just small cuts, that heal within a week or so. our body is ment to handle that, and it is no real harm to ourselves. But if the knowledge that someone "self harmed" got out that person would be immediately take away to "get help", even though that person could have just been helping themselves get past horrid feelings that nothing else could soothe.