The Clarke Theory

(2019) 

I spend days watching TV. Absorbing myself in the twists and contortions of television drama. The 100. A newish show on the CW. I havnt seen season three for reasons that dont tarnish the quality of the first two seasons, which are remarkable. The story is exquisite and while there are a fair amount of cliches and obvious choices, the story is unlike any I have seen yet and features a lot of female actresses. The main protagonist is named Clarke. She is sent on a mission to the earth without any knowledge of what it is like after 100 years of surviving in space after escaping a nuclear apocalypse. She is sent down with 99 other delinquents to see if the earth is survivable again. Once they reach the earth, Clarke steps up and speaks her mind. Unfailingly and with confidance she automaticaly works to help herself and her fellow teenagers survive. As soon as her feet hit the dirt she is in full on survival mode. Everything she does and thinks is about surviving. She works to make shelter, gather food, and connect with essestial people back home. 

I find mself drawn to shows where survival is the main goal. Seeing characters flourish in life risking situations, and above all odds and danger, makes me exuberant. Ive spent time thinking about why I am so connected to these characters. The answer came to me after a dream where I myself was in a life threatening situation and I was flourishing as a person in these situations. I awoke from this dream to the reality of my "real" life, where I am whatever the the opposite of florishing is, and I was filled with agony as I relized that my life was not what I had had in that dream. In the dream I was smart, brave, empathetic, logical, kind, and i had a voice. All of these things made me powerful and i used my power for "good" (utilizing both empathy and logic). I relized that all of this was who I see myself to be, but finally utilizing my personality traits in a way that was recognizable. In a way that was important.

     But why survival? I think it is the only thing ive been faced with that I cannot see thruough with this idea that nothing matters. If nothing matters, why stay alive? Maybe its primal and our sentiance has yet to evolve to overcome this drive for continued life. BUt that would imply that sentiance is limited and adapts... which I guess history does suggest...?
However in my life I cannot overcome the drive to live with logic. So maybe its the last part of me that has any fight left in me. When faced with life or death, survive or do not, I would fight my hardest to survive. I cannot find anything else I have fight for really. Myself and my loved ones survival is what I have fight for. And you only really utalize yourself when you are giving something your all. When you are fighting, doing everything you can to achieve a goal and ultimatly a purpose. And when one belives that nothing has a purpose, thats really hard. But I have found something I cannot diminish, disallude, or break down into truth with logic. And that is survival. 

So. I can connect to caracters whose main goal is to survive because thats all my goal is too. And I want desperately to be in a situation that makes me fight for my goal, the goal that makes it easy to be who I am. Because right now, I have nothing to push me into utilizing myself. 

But even in the 100 they make a point of showing there is more to life then survival. 

(NOV 5 2022)

Oh Clark. Fighting and fighting and fighting. Is there any other way? Clark, I am asking. Is there any other way?would you do it differently? COULD you? Must there always be a scapegoat? a Sacrifice? Did you even save all your people? and did you lose yourself? In the end they did it themselves, and was it worth it? was it worth the loss of everything that was your right? how much to give up to acheive in the end, nothing but peace of mind and aceptance of the self. If you did acheive that. Do you hate yourself still? I bet you do. But no one else does. Not even the man you killed. He is gone and dissapeared. Just like so many others. Ones you cared for and ones you did not. But glory did come. It came for All, and at your hand, did it not? It just didnt choose you. Or was it you who forsook Glory? Turning your nose up at the one opportunity to end it all. To end it once and for all, you did not. You did not stop, as if you never will, as if you never can. As if you forgot. Forgot who your people were, and who you were ment to be. In the end you forgot destiny, as it held everything together, you tore through it  like it was paper thin, forsaking yourself in the ultimate test of character and clarity, you fought on, blind. You lost. 

 ...but. 

    They Won. 

        Didnt they, those sons of bitches. 

            They pulled it all together, and they did it. 

                Though, you did not.

                    They ALL did. 

and how? and why? 

Does it matter?

Does anthying?

And are you happy? 

I know.  

I know I know, and I dont.