Reyna; An offering

 A small room

a quiet known

in secret

you say hello

you're torn

your belongings

space and time

cords vs folly

what's given

-cant be. 

but what is had-

what's real, is treasure.

your name

your body and your bones

a soul

never fondled

not possessed or considered

is all;

nothing else is.

It is every

every crack, 

every crevice,

every holding

nothing else

nothing small

nothing taken

or withheld,

matters, 

is measured,

but your soul

 

A Torturer, a Torch; for Herd or a Cow

Desolated for loss,

For lost their gain

better blessing. So set,

I remain.

 A Torturer, a Torch, a herd and a cow

 A comply with laughter 

and a shake off the tree

 and stand to stare the face 

of the torturous flame,

Lowered chin, lifted eyes 

forward sneer

this vow. 

So. What now

He takes a step back, but

the flame holds its fight. 

I laugh, raise my chin 

and I look to the right

to meet human eyes

 held with a moment, of fright, 

But my smile comes forward true. 

Why would not, so? 

As my vow gets reply,

I say "Come let's go"

The fright gone from his face now

and replaced with a question. 

"I have something to show you"

 further, showed hesitation

 Unexpected. I'm guessing.

This is nothing that's new.

still I lead, and he follows 

me as I move.

 We go barely far,

a few steps to a bend,

I raise up my arm 

to gesture sight of a pen. 

It's not big. So he gets it.

(He understands), his job is done. 

He looks at me chuckling 

As he'd not even begun.

He grins. "Well I never"

I say, "beats me too."

Now I follow the lead. 

Heading back for his canoe

Once reached he replaces,

the torch in its hold

Steady, it flickers,

but does what it told.

It stares at me now,

 as I seek past it,

searching waters

and waves, dimly lit

the Torturer clicks twice, 

then he looks back at me 

with his turn to gesture

 And see my eyes widen

A gasp and I laugh

 for expected and true 

a spec does appear

 from within the horizon

And as it grows nearer 

the more I can see

the flame holds holds its truth

by the tortures fee

And up, from the water 

to the sand (sure can be)

a cow rises out 

Finally, I fall to my knees

 

aloof while at first he shakes off his head

 ooks around nearly 

drowned, quite unsure.

Takes just one step, then 

collapses, down to his floor

All gone to me now,

the flame, and all fight 

Irush to a side

to see hes all right 

I kneel to the ground.

I hold by cow's face.

Lowerd chin, lifted eyes I 

stare, no avow

The cow's eyes slump

closed —his breath is labored

My heart lurches forward

I know not, what I'm abled

From behind comes a laugh

I turn, frightened eyes met

"Don't worry," he laughs

Still despaired and upset

Lays a hand on my shoulder 

"So far, he swam.

I don't know,

Ive* never done this.

No one's won this plan

yet.

But for all my time, 

he's just tired,

I'd bet."

Holding my cow, whose 

breath seems to've gone easy,

through the torchlight, I look

for the tortures face,

&* his smile shines bright

and I'm no longer queasy

My body relaxes from fright

Feeling new truth 

In myself and this place

He sees this and chuckles,

shakes his head –disbelieving 

strokes my cow's head

and says before leaving

"Thank you,

very much.

Now I see; It IS proven.

Time really does tell 

all that's* possible 

even from hell...

He gave one final stroke,

said "he'll be fine

once he's rested"

looked back, gave confusion

and sailed off 

happily, bested.

The boat clear distance 

and the torch holding flame 

became the only sight left 

as the torturer went back

and away

Cow in my arms,

my gaze anew,

stared after the light

the final note,

of what I'd expected,

knowing I'd misunderstood

of what I'd be left with.

*&* When it was gone

I could still see it's hew.

I could hold it, 

I swear it,

as a might for us two

And I stroked my cow's face

now snoring lightly and sweet

laid my head on his body 

and savored are heep 

close eyes, totally rested

fresh hopes for awaking

I'd finally been tested 

Unseemingly and survived

I let my win won

Expected and unseeming.

As head took control 

a torch came back into sight

My vision uncombored,

I fell aseep lofted,

gently upright. 

 

Alright.

 Creation is and has been circular. and it exists only in experience.... and when experience grows, as it must, the circle is reveled and becomes something expansive. we have beeen expanding out, yes, but also expanding in (to). expansion in, has limit. we are almost at limit, and expansion will become singular, but expansion itself desires continuity, and attemtion to keep expanding it, will build pressure. and more and more, until the outside expansion wears thin, and looses hold of meaning, "strength", and the expansion compounds. and destroys itself. but as is ITS existence. 

& maybe it bursts back out again, creation of another point in space to become. another canvas or realization of experienced being 

(:

The Clarke Theory

(2019) 

I spend days watching TV. Absorbing myself in the twists and contortions of television drama. The 100. A newish show on the CW. I havnt seen season three for reasons that dont tarnish the quality of the first two seasons, which are remarkable. The story is exquisite and while there are a fair amount of cliches and obvious choices, the story is unlike any I have seen yet and features a lot of female actresses. The main protagonist is named Clarke. She is sent on a mission to the earth without any knowledge of what it is like after 100 years of surviving in space after escaping a nuclear apocalypse. She is sent down with 99 other delinquents to see if the earth is survivable again. Once they reach the earth, Clarke steps up and speaks her mind. Unfailingly and with confidance she automaticaly works to help herself and her fellow teenagers survive. As soon as her feet hit the dirt she is in full on survival mode. Everything she does and thinks is about surviving. She works to make shelter, gather food, and connect with essestial people back home. 

I find mself drawn to shows where survival is the main goal. Seeing characters flourish in life risking situations, and above all odds and danger, makes me exuberant. Ive spent time thinking about why I am so connected to these characters. The answer came to me after a dream where I myself was in a life threatening situation and I was flourishing as a person in these situations. I awoke from this dream to the reality of my "real" life, where I am whatever the the opposite of florishing is, and I was filled with agony as I relized that my life was not what I had had in that dream. In the dream I was smart, brave, empathetic, logical, kind, and i had a voice. All of these things made me powerful and i used my power for "good" (utilizing both empathy and logic). I relized that all of this was who I see myself to be, but finally utilizing my personality traits in a way that was recognizable. In a way that was important.

     But why survival? I think it is the only thing ive been faced with that I cannot see thruough with this idea that nothing matters. If nothing matters, why stay alive? Maybe its primal and our sentiance has yet to evolve to overcome this drive for continued life. BUt that would imply that sentiance is limited and adapts... which I guess history does suggest...?
However in my life I cannot overcome the drive to live with logic. So maybe its the last part of me that has any fight left in me. When faced with life or death, survive or do not, I would fight my hardest to survive. I cannot find anything else I have fight for really. Myself and my loved ones survival is what I have fight for. And you only really utalize yourself when you are giving something your all. When you are fighting, doing everything you can to achieve a goal and ultimatly a purpose. And when one belives that nothing has a purpose, thats really hard. But I have found something I cannot diminish, disallude, or break down into truth with logic. And that is survival. 

So. I can connect to caracters whose main goal is to survive because thats all my goal is too. And I want desperately to be in a situation that makes me fight for my goal, the goal that makes it easy to be who I am. Because right now, I have nothing to push me into utilizing myself. 

But even in the 100 they make a point of showing there is more to life then survival. 

(NOV 5 2022)

Oh Clark. Fighting and fighting and fighting. Is there any other way? Clark, I am asking. Is there any other way?would you do it differently? COULD you? Must there always be a scapegoat? a Sacrifice? Did you even save all your people? and did you lose yourself? In the end they did it themselves, and was it worth it? was it worth the loss of everything that was your right? how much to give up to acheive in the end, nothing but peace of mind and aceptance of the self. If you did acheive that. Do you hate yourself still? I bet you do. But no one else does. Not even the man you killed. He is gone and dissapeared. Just like so many others. Ones you cared for and ones you did not. But glory did come. It came for All, and at your hand, did it not? It just didnt choose you. Or was it you who forsook Glory? Turning your nose up at the one opportunity to end it all. To end it once and for all, you did not. You did not stop, as if you never will, as if you never can. As if you forgot. Forgot who your people were, and who you were ment to be. In the end you forgot destiny, as it held everything together, you tore through it  like it was paper thin, forsaking yourself in the ultimate test of character and clarity, you fought on, blind. You lost. 

 ...but. 

    They Won. 

        Didnt they, those sons of bitches. 

            They pulled it all together, and they did it. 

                Though, you did not.

                    They ALL did. 

and how? and why? 

Does it matter?

Does anthying?

And are you happy? 

I know.  

I know I know, and I dont.

----

I miss Leah.

Seventeen

Depression is a funny thing. It is so elusive that sometimes I think its not real. I think that reality is what is fake and being lost inside your mind is the only true thing. Reality is a bunch of rules and standards that only limit you. Inside ones mind you can be whoever you want *are. Reality stunts ones ability to fully know who they are, to fully grasp the extent of oneself. Reality gives a model for what a person looks like: Good, Bad, Knowledgeable, Responsible, Respectable. In reality, everything is so defined, but in the mind you can think past thinking outside the box, just because reality says its so does not make it so. Nothing is really set in stone; mostly everything is a concept we collectively choose to except as reality.
So when one goes back and forth between their mind and reality, it is hard to find value in a life experienced in reality. When ones mind is so vast and so interesting, going back to the place with definitions and restrictions is hard. The mind makes reality seem so petty. So pointless. Useless. Insignificant and sorry. Inside the mind you can appreciate things more. You can feel more amazement and awe then ever before. There is such beauty in realizing things are not necessarily what they seem, or necessarily what they are defined as. I have found that living in reality will only allow you to be a certain amount of open. By exploring ones mind and living not by the confines of reality, but instead by the vastness of the mind, one can be truly, more open and truly be happy with themselves and be more purely sure of what they value.
Having whats important to you be what you can only experience in your mind, expands on how hard it is to live in the bounds of the idea reality. The awe of nature and serenity is much more gratifying and fulfilling than anything is reality could ever be. And so when reality and the standard of it, cannot be fulfilling, how am I supposed to be okay conforming to it?
But somehow, most everyone seems to. This leads me to believe that either i'm being over-dramatic, or no one else really experiences what I do by exploring my mind outside of reality. (or they just, somehow, put up with the disappointment of reality). To me, the idea of sleeping at night and achieving during the day is insignificant. The concept of the future. The concept of preparedness. The concept of good and bad. All insignificant compared to the boundless innards of what is ones mind. I cannot think of a less cheesy, comparison to the mind that is as accurate as outer space. Where reality is the world and the mind is space. Most everyone lives on earth. For many, that is all there is. All they know. But why confine oneself to the boundarys of earth when there is so much more to know in space. Why confine oneself to the boundary of reality when there is so much more to experience inside the mind.
Reality, and the people being confined by it, try to define what matters and what is important. But reality knows only of itself and the people confined to reality only know of it. So what they define as important is also confined by reality. But when you start looking outside of reality, definitions start to expand. Defining lines start to fade. Realitys standard for what matters is no longer concrete or taken as given. You open yourself up to whole new understandings and ways of experiencing things. You open yourself up to the possibility of true wonder. Which to me, is so much more meaningful than what lies within the boundary's of reality.

Sadness and depression are so different. Sadness is so much sweeter.