Two

I've been thinking about how looks play into relationships a lot lately. In the 8th grade I remember remarking to my best friend about how absolutely petty I was. I said I would never be able to date a guy unless he was hot. Looking back on 8th grade, I remember how lonely I was. I barely talked to anyone, and I never talked unless I was talked to. I was so insecure. I cut my hair to look like all the other girls, and I bought low cut name brand clothes. So in all honestly I looked pretty good (for an 8th grader at least). Yet I still had no one to talk to. People didn't dislike me, they just wouldn't go out of their way to talk to me. I never said anything real. I spent a lot of time reevaluating the few things I did say. I had no confidence at all, what people thought of me was the most important thing.

Back then and up until about the summer after my 10th grade year, when I still cared what others thought of me, I honestly felt the need for the guys I dated to be pretty attractive. I never even considered, or felt anything toward guys not considered attractive. Now that I have complete confidence in who I am, I don't care what others think of what I do or say. And with that apparently comes not really giving a shit what who i date looks like. Yes, I still have a few personal standards, such as, I am not likely attracted to someone overweight, but that's just my genes. Other than that all the socially applauded features don't matter. Now, liking someone, for me, has to do with how well I get along, and enjoy the other person.  

I'm not at all saying that I don't enjoy seeing an attractive male, and if that guy happens to be the one I get along with and fall for, then great! But that's not how it HAS to be anymore. 

I'm not sure if seeing past social standards for who I date is a good thing or a bad thing. I do know that I surprised myself when I realized that Me, of all people came to be like this.

I have feelings for H-. I think? I don't even know what having feeling for someone is anymore. He's so funny, and has fun little quirks and if I could spend a day doing something fun with anyone it would be with him. Yet I can't picture us together. I can see us sitting together and laughing, even holding hands, but I cant imagine kissing or anything more. Maybe I need to see him in a different light. Currently I see him as the lighthearted wit. If I can look at him differently, and see him as an individual, I could develop those extra feelings.
Not that I should. I shouldn't.

I'm scared I don't want my boyfriend. He's perfect, but I just don't feel much. Maybe its just this time of year.

One

I've always had the urge to tell people about how I'm bi-polar/depressed. Unfortunately no good thing could come of telling people, because they will either get awkward and think you're mental, or they won't really care at all. What I really want is someone to respond  "Seriously? Hmm... Whats that like?" and be interested, just not repulsed. But after 4 years of this, I have yet to meet anyone who would spend more than 2 minuets talking with me about it (except therapists).
Then when someone finally knows about your mental state, they fall into the category's of: Ignorant (clueless about it and why is a big deal) they will often try to forget all about it, Asshole (think you're crazy, a cutter, and always an emotional train wreck) these are the people that will talk about you behind you're back and avoid you. Many people over the age of 35 fall into this category. Then there is a Sympathizer (feels the need to always check up on you) these people often will treat you as their lesser, but they mean well. It's not uncommon for them to "know what you're going through" because their aunt's boss suffers from depression too. They will bring mental health up in every conversation. People like this will often tell others. Rarely someone is a Relief (understands and doesn't make a big deal) These people often have similar mental issues, or have DIRECT experience with it. It's nice finding someone like this because it forms a connection, as well as relives the stress of telling them. Unfortunately its not common to find someone in the same boat.
This is why its so hard to tell people about my illness. Its just not worth the negative. And to be honest its kind of fun (sometimes) to have my own secret.