Six

When i'm calm, thinking, and alone, especially after a period where my depression got really bad, I often can't comprehend or understand how bad depression feels. I've come to realize that depression is something I deal with all of the time. But. Depression is consuming. It has property's of alcohol when it gets bad enough. I have periods of hours, that I think and say and do a lot of things and then when its over I can't remember what I was thinking or why I did the things I did. I can't remember what I was feeling. All I can remember is that it was terrible. I also remember how I would have been so @#!*% up with pain that I would think I was thinking clearly. I will remember thinking extremley profound things but not being able for the life of me, to remember what they were.
Then I can go weeks without feeling really depressed at all. And I start to wonder if i'm better. I think that maybe I made a mountain out of a molehill. With love, and joy, and all those sorts of feelings, you can at least sort of remember  picture what those feeling are. But with depression I can never place myself into a scenario where i'm depressed. I just can't capture those feelings. So when when it does get bad again, its almost like a new experience. Yet it's still all to familiar.
Then when it gets real bad, in the harshest moments, something comes over you. The pain and sadness gets almost covered up by your thoughts. But its agony. You think so fast, you have no idea what you're even thinking. Except the only most prominent thought of death. And it's goes over and over and over and over. Just those 4 words "I want to die" and its not because you want to escape the pain of life, or anything that, to me, is petty, It's because you want to escape that moment. Anything to get out of the agony of that one moment.

Yet in that all, your adrenaline is pumping, and your heart is beating, and when all you want is to die, you feel the most alive.