Ten

I really am not that accomplished of a person. The best thing I can say I've done was won a bronze metal in the south African swimming championships in 7th grade. That was 4+ years ago. Other than that, I can play the piano on a beginner level, paint at a slightly above average skill level, and that's it. Yet somehow I still look at myself as some magnificent person. Or at least someone complex. So is it fair to count my mind as an accomplishment? Is it fair to count my mind as a quality/skill I posses? Because as far as anyone (besides a select few) can see I'm not deep, or complex, or anything. I feel like if I talk about the deeper thoughts I have, out loud others will think I'm pretentious or strange. And I know, caring what other people think completely contradicts my entire philosophy on life, but when it comes down to it, avoiding hurt is still the number one thing that controls me. So people don't see that I have this "skill" or accomplishment, that I believe is the depths of my mind. Which makes me wonder if others also have this "skill". Because if most people are deeper thinkers, then my ability to see clearly, or to think deeply wouldn't really be an accomplishment.
Which brings me back to, would the ability to think deeply be a valid accomplishment or skill, even if not many people possessed that ability? Is thinking higher of myself for being (seemingly) profound, valid? Would it be valid if I expressed my inner thoughts instead of just thinking them?
Normally I can think through these questions and provide an answer. But this is really just a matter of opinion, which I don't take as truth. For now I will keep on thinking that my clarity is a skill, while keeping in mind I could be completely off base.

Nine

The idea of caring about someone who doesn't care back, used to baffle me. Now that I have someone to do that with, I've started to question the universal ideas that if you put energy into caring about someone they are entitled to care back. If you think about it this is a rather self revolved idea. Shouldn't the point of caring about someone be just that; To care about them? Instead people have turned caring about someone into caring so they will care back. Everyone wants that feeling of being cared about, so yes. I feel this "caring to get care" is what people strive for. But I'm thinking that is that truly caring? With M I found out that he didn't care about me. Then I left. I told him I couldn't be friends with someone who didn't care about me. I knew he was using me and I know he is still using me to feel loved. However now it's different. Caring about him isn't about receiving care in return like it used to be. It's more selfless. I genuinely want the best for him and I would sacrifice a lot for him. Including the fact that it does still kinda hurt that he doesn't care back. (No matter how irrational that is in this argument). And maybe some day he won't use me. But it doesn't really matter what he does/thinks of me as long as I can increase the positive in his life. This goes for everyone I truly care about. This is what caring about someone is. Not looking for or expecting anything in return for the care you choose to place in the person. Caring is not circumstantial.