Eleven

I'm crazy. At least that's how I feel. That's how I look. That's how I sound. I'm sure of it. I'm sure I sound crazy when I talk about how I feel. Or I'm sure I WOULD sound crazy if I described it to anyone. Television shows, books, and society have a way of conveying crazy. They have conveyed it so you can sit in a room with people and have the "crazy" people stick out. They are normally rocking back and forth. Or they are twitching or shaking their hands. Maybe their eyes dart around the room while they clench their hands into fists. Motionless. And we all sit in judgment of what might be wrong with those people. But I myself have often done these things I've mentioned.
And if I talked about what I felt inside, people would think I was crazy. Because saying that you feel pressure in your chest when you see a cute cat. Or that your back feels "uncomfortable" when you think about something you don't want to, is weird. Really weird. Feeling your emotions throughout your body is weird. Like the feeling of pain. and hurt I feel right now that L would not understand at all, how my insides lurch when she doesn't connect with the same things I do. Those things being references to things that remind me of my inner confusion. When she made reference to harming herself. I was happy. I felt fuzzy inside. Literally fuzzy. And my arms tingled. I was sad for her as well. I was sad that she would have to go through that. But I felt happy because there was a chance that what she had to go through was the same thing. Delusionally, it made me pleased that she might be crazy too. Although I know now, she is not, in any sense of the word. And I think that's part of what keeps me feeling anxious. I'm crazy. That's fine. But sometimes its not easy to keep it from leaking out. I don't mean all the time, but sometimes when I would get happy, its hard not to jump up and down and clap. or when I get restless its hard not to turn over and over and slide off the bed. I know that these things look mental. And I also know that no part of her is mental, so she will form judgments in her head. Wondering what is wrong with me. Or maybe not. Maybe just thinking "oh god". Like I know I have. So I know what it means. I am terrified of that happening.
So when I see a person clenching their fists or wringing their hands while sitting absolutely still, I get the chills. Because I know that person could be me. I could be the one that people are questioning in their heads. But in reality the fists and stillness could be a coping mechanism. And inside their heads could be white walls with different flashing images or words that they can't control but are desperately trying to. The rocking motions or shaking of hands could be something that the brain controls. Things the brain so quickly sets in motion that the person does not have the ability to stop. And this lack of control over the brain. I guess it could be called crazy. And I do call it crazy. Because it produces something that looks, and sounds like what society has deemed "crazy". And then as a result, it makes me feel crazy too.