----

I miss Leah.

Seventeen

Depression is a funny thing. It is so elusive that sometimes I think its not real. I think that reality is what is fake and being lost inside your mind is the only true thing. Reality is a bunch of rules and standards that only limit you. Inside ones mind you can be whoever you want *are. Reality stunts ones ability to fully know who they are, to fully grasp the extent of oneself. Reality gives a model for what a person looks like: Good, Bad, Knowledgeable, Responsible, Respectable. In reality, everything is so defined, but in the mind you can think past thinking outside the box, just because reality says its so does not make it so. Nothing is really set in stone; mostly everything is a concept we collectively choose to except as reality.
So when one goes back and forth between their mind and reality, it is hard to find value in a life experienced in reality. When ones mind is so vast and so interesting, going back to the place with definitions and restrictions is hard. The mind makes reality seem so petty. So pointless. Useless. Insignificant and sorry. Inside the mind you can appreciate things more. You can feel more amazement and awe then ever before. There is such beauty in realizing things are not necessarily what they seem, or necessarily what they are defined as. I have found that living in reality will only allow you to be a certain amount of open. By exploring ones mind and living not by the confines of reality, but instead by the vastness of the mind, one can be truly, more open and truly be happy with themselves and be more purely sure of what they value.
Having whats important to you be what you can only experience in your mind, expands on how hard it is to live in the bounds of the idea reality. The awe of nature and serenity is much more gratifying and fulfilling than anything is reality could ever be. And so when reality and the standard of it, cannot be fulfilling, how am I supposed to be okay conforming to it?
But somehow, most everyone seems to. This leads me to believe that either i'm being over-dramatic, or no one else really experiences what I do by exploring my mind outside of reality. (or they just, somehow, put up with the disappointment of reality). To me, the idea of sleeping at night and achieving during the day is insignificant. The concept of the future. The concept of preparedness. The concept of good and bad. All insignificant compared to the boundless innards of what is ones mind. I cannot think of a less cheesy, comparison to the mind that is as accurate as outer space. Where reality is the world and the mind is space. Most everyone lives on earth. For many, that is all there is. All they know. But why confine oneself to the boundarys of earth when there is so much more to know in space. Why confine oneself to the boundary of reality when there is so much more to experience inside the mind.
Reality, and the people being confined by it, try to define what matters and what is important. But reality knows only of itself and the people confined to reality only know of it. So what they define as important is also confined by reality. But when you start looking outside of reality, definitions start to expand. Defining lines start to fade. Realitys standard for what matters is no longer concrete or taken as given. You open yourself up to whole new understandings and ways of experiencing things. You open yourself up to the possibility of true wonder. Which to me, is so much more meaningful than what lies within the boundary's of reality.

Sadness and depression are so different. Sadness is so much sweeter.

A fatal flaw of love

I'm not depressed but you would think I was if you knew what I was experiencing. Why do feelings make you upset? Good feelings? Why does the supposedly most important, wonderful, most sought after feeling in the world, make you feel like shit? Why does it make you hate yourself and your life. Why does it leave you feeling empty and alone and longing for someone to talk to about it. Why does love have the same exact symptoms of depression?

If we were the beach

If we were the beach,
You would be the ocean
and I would be the foam on top,
moving together in constant motion

You would be the sand,
and I would be the sea
All the while my waves trying to,
pull you close to me

You would be a seashell,
and I would be some glass
A boy would come and pick us up,
and leave us laying in the grass

You would be the sun,
and I would be the breeze
A perfect combination,
seemingly divined in expertise

You would be the ocean,
and I would be the sky
And where we touch,
the day would take its final sigh

But here the day would as well,
take its first breath
Because you and I we are,
we are more than the days death

We're the cycle of the day,
We begin and end in subtle valor
Our touch inspires color
and beauty delicate in manor

We're the sunrise over water,
We're the sunset in the sky
Without, there is no start or finish,
no hello and no goodbye

And you are the ocean,
and I am the sky
Our horizon is beauty in simplicity,
not the heavens could deny

So if we were the beach,
You would be the sand
And I would be the person playing,
playing with your hand

Sixteen

Why is there so much value placed on life? Is it really going to matter if someone dies? No. People who are suicidal are always told not to kill themselves. They are giving all sorts of reason why not to. But most of those reasons are shit. Sure. People will miss you. They will be devastated. But that devastation fades. Life is made up of lows and highs. Death is just a low. If it's not death, it's going to be something else. And it's not like the person is going to know. They will be dead. Their life, full of highs and lows will be over. Become nothing. But is that nothing really worse than the life full of lows. Is sticking it out through the lows really worth it if you only get minimum highs? In order for life to be worth it, their would have to be at least 51% high. Because 50 high 50 low cancel each other out into nothing and anything less that 50% high is worse than nothing/death. So why is so much value placed on life, like all that really matters is surviving. Value should be placed on suffering. Value should be placed on happiness, not just weather or not a person is staying alive. Because sometimes staying alive is worse than nothing. Who are we to know that "it will get better" I mean sure. At some point it will get better. You will experience highs but then your life will go back down again. And do the highs outweigh the lows? Is living worth it? Logic would say that if the lows outweigh the highs, ending life, having nothing instead, would be better than continuing to suffer.
However by this logic, when you are experiencing a lot of lows, you might not feel like highs will ever return. And while they might not. There is a chance that life is worth living because you will indeed have more highs than lows eventually. So the question really remains until death. Is life worth living. On your deathbed you could look back and finally know. Was life worth it. (This is all based off of a value system of happiness vs. suffering of course for some value could be based off accomplishment or something else. Then this would not really apply at all).
Except what happens when you are diagnosed with clinical depression or Bi-polar? Or schizophrenia? or even possibly severe ADHD? And you know for the rest of your life you will be battling incurable sadness. Incurable lows? and it is HIGHLY likely that your life will consist of more lows than high, just because you know you have a disease that will make it that way. So if you can see your future and know that there will be more lows than highs. and you see that, life is, by consequence, not worth it, then why do you (why do I) keep living?
I think in part, it is because everything I have grown up with has told me dying/killing yourself, is bad. It has been drilled into my brain that death is terrible and you MUST survive (no matter your happiness level) Also, there is a part of me. A part of me, although I can't place where, that is a vague burning that keeps me alive. I think it might be part of my soul. And this part of me is going against all logic. I think it's stupid. It's a part of me that for some reason, just doesn't want my life to end. I feel like this part of me is uninformed and innocent and it angers me that I have this burning to stay alive, even when everything makes sense not to. But still. Life with more suffering than happiness (with possibly much more suffering than happiness). Is it worth it? No. But you, I, still live it anyways.  

Fifteen

The idea of maturity was just mentioned to me. And I started thinking about it and really, the idea of maturity is just that. An idea. And even an idea that is quite fluid. Sure we have social norms for stating what is immature and mature, but the actual maturity of a person is not fact, but perception. I think everyone views them self as at least a little bit mature. I have always (or at least since 10th grade) viewed myself as quite mature for my age group. But am I really? I mean I think I am. However in certain situations I very much see how I might not be. I can handle difficult situations. I can control my emotion and my mind. And I think this allows me to be quite mature. However what if little things I do, that wouldn't even make it on to my radar of things that define me, stick out to other people as immature. I would think that would be an unfair picture of me, cause common. I'm quite mature when it comes to things I view as important. But one thought I'm having, is what if its not only the important things that define your maturity but the seemingly unimportant things too. Or at least on the perception of ones maturity. Because when I think about it, its not any big life decisions or actions that stick out to me on other people. Its little glimpses. Little actions, tones, fidgets and quirks that am I'm more likely to get that feeling of immaturity from. little things other people do that they probably don't even realize that make me question their maturity. And I think that could be true for how everyone judges others maturity.
And I think this sucks. Because being on the opposite end of it does not feel good. Having your entire maturity level questioned because of one action you made makes you, or at least me, feel shatteringly disappointed in myself.
Its also making me question. Am I really mature? I can act mature. When I need to (which is most of the time) I can pull my shit together and act/be mature. But when I let my guard down, am I immature? or do I just have immaturity slips. Because right now I'm feeling like I am just immature. And the actual person I am is immature. However this is all based on the idea that maturity is based on actions and expressions when ones guard is down. Maturity could also be based on how you handle things. And if that is the case, I'm as mature as I thought I was.
There is also the idea, if maturity is based off actions/expressions when ones guard is down, then do I , or anyone, really want to be mature. Because expressions come from thoughts. And in order to have mature expressions/ actions when your guard is down, All ones thoughts would have to be mature as well. Which would be ABSOLUTELY no fun.
But all this really goes back to individuals and how they perceive maturity. I honestly think its best to draw conclusions on others maturity levels, until you really know them, or actually, never.  I think its natural and ok to have fleeting thoughts of a persons maturity level, as long as you realize that you can will probably never truly know what their maturity is.
Maturity, I think, is almost a personal thing.