Twelve

I'm not sure what I like better, as far as a relationship goes. Being totally head over heels for the other person, and thinking about them nonstop, or just liking the other person and just enjoying yourself when you're around them. They both have have pros and cons. Being totally in love feels good, when it's going good, but as soon as the littlest thing goes wrong you feel like shit. While just being content is not as exciting, or as titillating, but when thing get a little bumpy, it's not as big a deal. You don't feel that irrational hurt. With the content you don't really second guess yourself, as you do when you're head over heels. 
But what do you do when your relationship is both? You both are head over heels, and just content. It sounds like it would be a good thing, however it's really just confusing. One moment you are hurt because the person isn't paying as much attention to you as you'd like, but at the same time you really don't care that they are with their friends. And sometimes you are so in love with the person but in the next, it's confusing, because you don't feel such intense feelings, and then that makes you wonder if you are losing your connection with that person. But in reality it's just you not being able to discern between the two types of affection. And then what happens when you act on your over the top emotion at one point and then you start feeling uncomfortable with what you did or said when you were just content? When my relationship is like this, I never know how it's going. A good amount of the time I'm second guessing my happiness and the other times I'm.second guessing theirs.
I think what I need to realize when I'm.in this situation, is that feelings, emotions, and situations are fleeting and ever changing. And the only thing that remains relatively constant are the people in the relationship. Meaning that you can't base larger decisions (like moving in or breaking up) on your emotions. No matter how strong and how solid they may feel. You need to base them off your knowledge of the other person and your knowledge of yourself. Basically, don't be rash. From my experience, it likely brings upon regret and anxiety. 

Words I like

Pittance, Seclusion, Absolute, Desolation, Despair, Manic, Dread, Profound, Depth, Finicky, Boast, Beckon, Brilliance, Perhaps, Ghastly, Tundra, Complete, Sacred, Knick, Defiant, Hallucinatory, Comply, Delve, Gape, Astonish, Ache, Illusion, Disillusion, Empathize, Enticing, Eloquent, Terrify, Affliction, Quip, Exploit, Whimsical, Elusive, Perception, Aesthetic, Lagoon, Subliminal,  --

Eleven

I'm crazy. At least that's how I feel. That's how I look. That's how I sound. I'm sure of it. I'm sure I sound crazy when I talk about how I feel. Or I'm sure I WOULD sound crazy if I described it to anyone. Television shows, books, and society have a way of conveying crazy. They have conveyed it so you can sit in a room with people and have the "crazy" people stick out. They are normally rocking back and forth. Or they are twitching or shaking their hands. Maybe their eyes dart around the room while they clench their hands into fists. Motionless. And we all sit in judgment of what might be wrong with those people. But I myself have often done these things I've mentioned.
And if I talked about what I felt inside, people would think I was crazy. Because saying that you feel pressure in your chest when you see a cute cat. Or that your back feels "uncomfortable" when you think about something you don't want to, is weird. Really weird. Feeling your emotions throughout your body is weird. Like the feeling of pain. and hurt I feel right now that L would not understand at all, how my insides lurch when she doesn't connect with the same things I do. Those things being references to things that remind me of my inner confusion. When she made reference to harming herself. I was happy. I felt fuzzy inside. Literally fuzzy. And my arms tingled. I was sad for her as well. I was sad that she would have to go through that. But I felt happy because there was a chance that what she had to go through was the same thing. Delusionally, it made me pleased that she might be crazy too. Although I know now, she is not, in any sense of the word. And I think that's part of what keeps me feeling anxious. I'm crazy. That's fine. But sometimes its not easy to keep it from leaking out. I don't mean all the time, but sometimes when I would get happy, its hard not to jump up and down and clap. or when I get restless its hard not to turn over and over and slide off the bed. I know that these things look mental. And I also know that no part of her is mental, so she will form judgments in her head. Wondering what is wrong with me. Or maybe not. Maybe just thinking "oh god". Like I know I have. So I know what it means. I am terrified of that happening.
So when I see a person clenching their fists or wringing their hands while sitting absolutely still, I get the chills. Because I know that person could be me. I could be the one that people are questioning in their heads. But in reality the fists and stillness could be a coping mechanism. And inside their heads could be white walls with different flashing images or words that they can't control but are desperately trying to. The rocking motions or shaking of hands could be something that the brain controls. Things the brain so quickly sets in motion that the person does not have the ability to stop. And this lack of control over the brain. I guess it could be called crazy. And I do call it crazy. Because it produces something that looks, and sounds like what society has deemed "crazy". And then as a result, it makes me feel crazy too.

Ten

I really am not that accomplished of a person. The best thing I can say I've done was won a bronze metal in the south African swimming championships in 7th grade. That was 4+ years ago. Other than that, I can play the piano on a beginner level, paint at a slightly above average skill level, and that's it. Yet somehow I still look at myself as some magnificent person. Or at least someone complex. So is it fair to count my mind as an accomplishment? Is it fair to count my mind as a quality/skill I posses? Because as far as anyone (besides a select few) can see I'm not deep, or complex, or anything. I feel like if I talk about the deeper thoughts I have, out loud others will think I'm pretentious or strange. And I know, caring what other people think completely contradicts my entire philosophy on life, but when it comes down to it, avoiding hurt is still the number one thing that controls me. So people don't see that I have this "skill" or accomplishment, that I believe is the depths of my mind. Which makes me wonder if others also have this "skill". Because if most people are deeper thinkers, then my ability to see clearly, or to think deeply wouldn't really be an accomplishment.
Which brings me back to, would the ability to think deeply be a valid accomplishment or skill, even if not many people possessed that ability? Is thinking higher of myself for being (seemingly) profound, valid? Would it be valid if I expressed my inner thoughts instead of just thinking them?
Normally I can think through these questions and provide an answer. But this is really just a matter of opinion, which I don't take as truth. For now I will keep on thinking that my clarity is a skill, while keeping in mind I could be completely off base.

Nine

The idea of caring about someone who doesn't care back, used to baffle me. Now that I have someone to do that with, I've started to question the universal ideas that if you put energy into caring about someone they are entitled to care back. If you think about it this is a rather self revolved idea. Shouldn't the point of caring about someone be just that; To care about them? Instead people have turned caring about someone into caring so they will care back. Everyone wants that feeling of being cared about, so yes. I feel this "caring to get care" is what people strive for. But I'm thinking that is that truly caring? With M I found out that he didn't care about me. Then I left. I told him I couldn't be friends with someone who didn't care about me. I knew he was using me and I know he is still using me to feel loved. However now it's different. Caring about him isn't about receiving care in return like it used to be. It's more selfless. I genuinely want the best for him and I would sacrifice a lot for him. Including the fact that it does still kinda hurt that he doesn't care back. (No matter how irrational that is in this argument). And maybe some day he won't use me. But it doesn't really matter what he does/thinks of me as long as I can increase the positive in his life. This goes for everyone I truly care about. This is what caring about someone is. Not looking for or expecting anything in return for the care you choose to place in the person. Caring is not circumstantial.

The Gift

I don't know how to write when i'm happy. It takes spouts of depression or negative feelings and emotions to "inspire" me. I really feel the most clear about myself after a depressed time. That's when I have epiphany's about myself. And now since i'm doing better, I don't have those as much anymore. It's what I miss most about hating my life. I am honestly not as deep without all that pain. I hate that. My thoughts used to set me apart from others. And while I still think, in a sense, that they do, they are not as profound or as frequent. Now it almost takes another person telling me their problems to access and sort through my deeper thoughts. So for now, when i'm doing well, I unfortunately don't have as much to write about. Maybe I can teach myself to access my inner deepness without all the pain. I just don't know where to start.

Eight

Hold me