Fourteen

What do you do when you start caring about someone. Like legitimacy caring. Such as feeling ill when then other person is upset. Or feeling such helplessness when you can't really help them. I feel like it's more an affliction than it is something to view as a good thing. I can't tell you how many times my day has been negatively effected by that. For example, I was once sitting in class next to the boy I really liked. But my feelings had surpassed more than just crushing, I genuinely put his happiness above my own. And he looked absolutely crushed about something. He looked so sad and so alone, all I wanted to do was comfort him and just somehow, anyway, make him feel better. But we were not close enough so really all I could do was sit there and watch him be upset. And it was killing me, I honestly started crying for him. I just wanted him to feel better so bad.  

Since then this affliction of over-dramatic, overwhelming empathy has gotten worse. Its gotten to the point where if a person I realllly care about is in physical distress, I will actually adapt my own body to feeling that same distress. On accident. I don't try to feel sick my body just thinks, for some reason, that I should feel the same thing. I can normally keep it under control, but if I think about the other person too much, it can get bad. And i'm not sure if I can attribute this to my bi-polar or not, but it feels like it could be in the same category, because along with the physical adaptation, I also get mentally upset. My mind will start inferring what the other person is thinking while they are physically hurting. And the way my mind does that is by looking back at my own experiences when I am in physical distress. And when I am in physical distress I tend to get really depressed and sometimes borderline suicidal. So for some reason my mind and body adapt to how I THINK the other person could be feeling solely based on personal experience. And all this happens without me wanting it to. 

And so now, that I have someone that on a regular level, feels sick, its sometimes hard to keep myself out of a pit of sadness. And sometimes I feel like crying, and sometimes I feel pain in my chest for them, and I know its probably unsympathetic to make their pain about me, but that's what happens. And I honestly don't think there is a way to stop this. And if there was a way to stop it, i'm not sure I would want to, because while feeling such secondhand pain, sucks, I also adapt to when people are feeling really good. I get secondhand highs, and secondhand happiness. All this while still having my own feelings and thoughts and emotions. So while the secondhand joy is harder to spot, it really is a wonderful affliction. 

Thirteen

What is self harm? Obviously I know what it is. I know the physical definition of it, but what IS it? everything surrounding it is a vague mystery that has only really been eluded to. Self harm is, within my knowledge, the act of inflicting pain on oneself. Perhaps by way of cutting or burning. That much I know and understand. But what would cause a person to do this to themselves, and to what degree is this a bad thing? Okay. We can start with the idea that people cut themselves because they do not think they are worthy. Or they are for some reason unhappy with themselves. With this reason to harm yourself, in doing so is one punishing themselves? Is it something people do as a way of symbolizing their worthlessness? Are they doing it because they believe they deserve it?  Or is it more of a feelings thing. somehow the feeling of pain possibly helps one relate/connect with their feelings of lowness? Or one of many many other reasons to harm. I do not claim to have understanding or knowledge on this type of harm. I have no personal experience with feelings of low self worth, that are commonly linked with self harm.
One reason, however, of self harm that I do understand, is the reason that when one so deeply wants to die. or has such deep inner turmoil that the concentration it takes to harm oneself, the endorphin's released, as well as the distraction of physical pain, kind of focuses the brain on the pain. Allowing relief from the turmoil and suicidal cravings. It calms the brain down the way nothing else can. This takes me to the question. To what degree is self harm a bad thing. I can not speak for self harm for any other reason then the reason I just gave, but if it does relax the brain and make one feel relief from inner turmoil, then how can that not be, at least, acceptable thing? I, of course understand the dangers, if you cut yourself too deep. But if its just small cuts, that heal within a week or so. our body is ment to handle that, and it is no real harm to ourselves. But if the knowledge that someone "self harmed" got out that person would be immediately take away to "get help", even though that person could have just been helping themselves get past horrid feelings that nothing else could soothe.        

Twelve

I'm not sure what I like better, as far as a relationship goes. Being totally head over heels for the other person, and thinking about them nonstop, or just liking the other person and just enjoying yourself when you're around them. They both have have pros and cons. Being totally in love feels good, when it's going good, but as soon as the littlest thing goes wrong you feel like shit. While just being content is not as exciting, or as titillating, but when thing get a little bumpy, it's not as big a deal. You don't feel that irrational hurt. With the content you don't really second guess yourself, as you do when you're head over heels. 
But what do you do when your relationship is both? You both are head over heels, and just content. It sounds like it would be a good thing, however it's really just confusing. One moment you are hurt because the person isn't paying as much attention to you as you'd like, but at the same time you really don't care that they are with their friends. And sometimes you are so in love with the person but in the next, it's confusing, because you don't feel such intense feelings, and then that makes you wonder if you are losing your connection with that person. But in reality it's just you not being able to discern between the two types of affection. And then what happens when you act on your over the top emotion at one point and then you start feeling uncomfortable with what you did or said when you were just content? When my relationship is like this, I never know how it's going. A good amount of the time I'm second guessing my happiness and the other times I'm.second guessing theirs.
I think what I need to realize when I'm.in this situation, is that feelings, emotions, and situations are fleeting and ever changing. And the only thing that remains relatively constant are the people in the relationship. Meaning that you can't base larger decisions (like moving in or breaking up) on your emotions. No matter how strong and how solid they may feel. You need to base them off your knowledge of the other person and your knowledge of yourself. Basically, don't be rash. From my experience, it likely brings upon regret and anxiety. 

Words I like

Pittance, Seclusion, Absolute, Desolation, Despair, Manic, Dread, Profound, Depth, Finicky, Boast, Beckon, Brilliance, Perhaps, Ghastly, Tundra, Complete, Sacred, Knick, Defiant, Hallucinatory, Comply, Delve, Gape, Astonish, Ache, Illusion, Disillusion, Empathize, Enticing, Eloquent, Terrify, Affliction, Quip, Exploit, Whimsical, Elusive, Perception, Aesthetic, Lagoon, Subliminal,  --

Eleven

I'm crazy. At least that's how I feel. That's how I look. That's how I sound. I'm sure of it. I'm sure I sound crazy when I talk about how I feel. Or I'm sure I WOULD sound crazy if I described it to anyone. Television shows, books, and society have a way of conveying crazy. They have conveyed it so you can sit in a room with people and have the "crazy" people stick out. They are normally rocking back and forth. Or they are twitching or shaking their hands. Maybe their eyes dart around the room while they clench their hands into fists. Motionless. And we all sit in judgment of what might be wrong with those people. But I myself have often done these things I've mentioned.
And if I talked about what I felt inside, people would think I was crazy. Because saying that you feel pressure in your chest when you see a cute cat. Or that your back feels "uncomfortable" when you think about something you don't want to, is weird. Really weird. Feeling your emotions throughout your body is weird. Like the feeling of pain. and hurt I feel right now that L would not understand at all, how my insides lurch when she doesn't connect with the same things I do. Those things being references to things that remind me of my inner confusion. When she made reference to harming herself. I was happy. I felt fuzzy inside. Literally fuzzy. And my arms tingled. I was sad for her as well. I was sad that she would have to go through that. But I felt happy because there was a chance that what she had to go through was the same thing. Delusionally, it made me pleased that she might be crazy too. Although I know now, she is not, in any sense of the word. And I think that's part of what keeps me feeling anxious. I'm crazy. That's fine. But sometimes its not easy to keep it from leaking out. I don't mean all the time, but sometimes when I would get happy, its hard not to jump up and down and clap. or when I get restless its hard not to turn over and over and slide off the bed. I know that these things look mental. And I also know that no part of her is mental, so she will form judgments in her head. Wondering what is wrong with me. Or maybe not. Maybe just thinking "oh god". Like I know I have. So I know what it means. I am terrified of that happening.
So when I see a person clenching their fists or wringing their hands while sitting absolutely still, I get the chills. Because I know that person could be me. I could be the one that people are questioning in their heads. But in reality the fists and stillness could be a coping mechanism. And inside their heads could be white walls with different flashing images or words that they can't control but are desperately trying to. The rocking motions or shaking of hands could be something that the brain controls. Things the brain so quickly sets in motion that the person does not have the ability to stop. And this lack of control over the brain. I guess it could be called crazy. And I do call it crazy. Because it produces something that looks, and sounds like what society has deemed "crazy". And then as a result, it makes me feel crazy too.

Ten

I really am not that accomplished of a person. The best thing I can say I've done was won a bronze metal in the south African swimming championships in 7th grade. That was 4+ years ago. Other than that, I can play the piano on a beginner level, paint at a slightly above average skill level, and that's it. Yet somehow I still look at myself as some magnificent person. Or at least someone complex. So is it fair to count my mind as an accomplishment? Is it fair to count my mind as a quality/skill I posses? Because as far as anyone (besides a select few) can see I'm not deep, or complex, or anything. I feel like if I talk about the deeper thoughts I have, out loud others will think I'm pretentious or strange. And I know, caring what other people think completely contradicts my entire philosophy on life, but when it comes down to it, avoiding hurt is still the number one thing that controls me. So people don't see that I have this "skill" or accomplishment, that I believe is the depths of my mind. Which makes me wonder if others also have this "skill". Because if most people are deeper thinkers, then my ability to see clearly, or to think deeply wouldn't really be an accomplishment.
Which brings me back to, would the ability to think deeply be a valid accomplishment or skill, even if not many people possessed that ability? Is thinking higher of myself for being (seemingly) profound, valid? Would it be valid if I expressed my inner thoughts instead of just thinking them?
Normally I can think through these questions and provide an answer. But this is really just a matter of opinion, which I don't take as truth. For now I will keep on thinking that my clarity is a skill, while keeping in mind I could be completely off base.

Nine

The idea of caring about someone who doesn't care back, used to baffle me. Now that I have someone to do that with, I've started to question the universal ideas that if you put energy into caring about someone they are entitled to care back. If you think about it this is a rather self revolved idea. Shouldn't the point of caring about someone be just that; To care about them? Instead people have turned caring about someone into caring so they will care back. Everyone wants that feeling of being cared about, so yes. I feel this "caring to get care" is what people strive for. But I'm thinking that is that truly caring? With M I found out that he didn't care about me. Then I left. I told him I couldn't be friends with someone who didn't care about me. I knew he was using me and I know he is still using me to feel loved. However now it's different. Caring about him isn't about receiving care in return like it used to be. It's more selfless. I genuinely want the best for him and I would sacrifice a lot for him. Including the fact that it does still kinda hurt that he doesn't care back. (No matter how irrational that is in this argument). And maybe some day he won't use me. But it doesn't really matter what he does/thinks of me as long as I can increase the positive in his life. This goes for everyone I truly care about. This is what caring about someone is. Not looking for or expecting anything in return for the care you choose to place in the person. Caring is not circumstantial.