I don't remember you. All I remember is your actions. I think I might have subconsciously repressed the memory of you, because I wanted to forget all about you. But still, I see you at school and I gag. I hate you. But why? Because of how you treated me? At one point, yes. But no, i'm not upset at your actions anymore. I hate you because if I didn't I would still be in pain. I would still miss you and still hurt when I remembered you think i'm nothing compared to her. So I don't like you, I hate you, but I can't pretend I don't care about you. I try not to care, but whenever I see you, after my initial gag reflex, I just want to go over and hug you. Hug someone who I hate. I want to make you feel better. Feel happy. But I don't because 1: I hate you, and people would get confused because, why would I hug someone I hate? and 2: I can't make you feel better. I cant make you happy. Not like I used to. So I just gag, and laugh at how pathetic you have turned out to be. And how you hang out with all the people I don't like.
I think how I dogged a bullet (and I probably did) but i'm pretty sure that bullet didn't completely miss me. If it missed me completely I wouldn't see you and feel that split second of despair. And I want with every fiber of my being to be mad at you. You are so damn terrible, you're self absorbed and you lie and you manipulate, and you're mixed up. But none of that made me mad like it should. All it did was hurt, a throbbing ache in my chest and face. Even when you told my friend lies about me, and secrets I had confided in you, I wasn't mad. I was hurt. I was desperately hurt. And that "anger" I showed, that was an example of my acting. That was the reaction society says I should have. I had no idea how else to respond. I was protecting myself from you causing me that despair again. Then I when we stopped interacting after that, all that pain went away. However, for that split second when I see you, it comes back.
So I think that bullet grazed me. I hate you, but care about you, when I see you it still feels like stab in the chest the split second before my brain can naturally give me the armor of hate. And hate does wonders. It also makes me a bitch toward the person I hate. But then that whole caring about you makes me feel bad. I still don't understand how I can care about you and hate you. It's Basically: Go to Hell... you'll be ok down there
Friday, March 29, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Six
When i'm calm, thinking, and alone, especially after a period where my depression got really bad, I often can't comprehend or understand how bad depression feels. I've come to realize that depression is something I deal with all of the time. But. Depression is consuming. It has property's of alcohol when it gets bad enough. I have periods of hours, that I think and say and do a lot of things and then when its over I can't remember what I was thinking or why I did the things I did. I can't remember what I was feeling. All I can remember is that it was terrible. I also remember how I would have been so @#!*% up with pain that I would think I was thinking clearly. I will remember thinking extremley profound things but not being able for the life of me, to remember what they were.
Then I can go weeks without feeling really depressed at all. And I start to wonder if i'm better. I think that maybe I made a mountain out of a molehill. With love, and joy, and all those sorts of feelings, you can at least sort of remember picture what those feeling are. But with depression I can never place myself into a scenario where i'm depressed. I just can't capture those feelings. So when when it does get bad again, its almost like a new experience. Yet it's still all to familiar.
Then when it gets real bad, in the harshest moments, something comes over you. The pain and sadness gets almost covered up by your thoughts. But its agony. You think so fast, you have no idea what you're even thinking. Except the only most prominent thought of death. And it's goes over and over and over and over. Just those 4 words "I want to die" and its not because you want to escape the pain of life, or anything that, to me, is petty, It's because you want to escape that moment. Anything to get out of the agony of that one moment.
Yet in that all, your adrenaline is pumping, and your heart is beating, and when all you want is to die, you feel the most alive.
Then I can go weeks without feeling really depressed at all. And I start to wonder if i'm better. I think that maybe I made a mountain out of a molehill. With love, and joy, and all those sorts of feelings, you can at least sort of remember picture what those feeling are. But with depression I can never place myself into a scenario where i'm depressed. I just can't capture those feelings. So when when it does get bad again, its almost like a new experience. Yet it's still all to familiar.
Then when it gets real bad, in the harshest moments, something comes over you. The pain and sadness gets almost covered up by your thoughts. But its agony. You think so fast, you have no idea what you're even thinking. Except the only most prominent thought of death. And it's goes over and over and over and over. Just those 4 words "I want to die" and its not because you want to escape the pain of life, or anything that, to me, is petty, It's because you want to escape that moment. Anything to get out of the agony of that one moment.
Yet in that all, your adrenaline is pumping, and your heart is beating, and when all you want is to die, you feel the most alive.
Five
Anxiety. I don't even know what it is. But I know its terrible. I also know for me, its more of a physical thing than mental. The knot I get in my stomic, does however, make me want to die. I can't function and when I have anxiety, every time I think of anything remotely stressful I want to keel over; in fact I do. Sometimes the anxiety hurts worse then the depression. But it's even worse the two go hand in hand. When i'm anxious I also feel depressed. Except my mind, instead of going blurry, goes fast. My mind stays sharp and I can feel all the negative feelings that when i'm just depressed, I make numb. With anxiety, instead of not thinking at all, I think too much. The only way I've found so far to get rid of anxiety is to go to sleep. Unfortunately I can't sleep when my mind is racing.
Luckily I don't have anxiety much anymore. But I've had it today and yesterday pretty bad. I'm afraid its going to start getting bad again. It was around this time that it got bad last year. I would rather be suicidal than anxious and lets be honest I get suicidal when I have anxiety anyway. I would almost to anything to get away from that horrid knot in my stomic.
It's all so strange how I get anxious over nothing. I don't really have anything to be anxious about. I just am. I used to get anxious even when my mom would just walk into my room. I have no idea why I would just curl up into a ball and beg her to leave. It was terrible. And it would be again.
Luckily I don't have anxiety much anymore. But I've had it today and yesterday pretty bad. I'm afraid its going to start getting bad again. It was around this time that it got bad last year. I would rather be suicidal than anxious and lets be honest I get suicidal when I have anxiety anyway. I would almost to anything to get away from that horrid knot in my stomic.
It's all so strange how I get anxious over nothing. I don't really have anything to be anxious about. I just am. I used to get anxious even when my mom would just walk into my room. I have no idea why I would just curl up into a ball and beg her to leave. It was terrible. And it would be again.
Four
Alright. This is what I think about relationships with me: In order for me to fully be able to enjoy having a full long term relationship, the person I date probably needs to start out as my friend. And I mean compleatley. I need to have gone through a minimum of 2 months where I was content with us being friends. H is perfect with that. We were friends for forever before I realized. And when I did I was already in love with him as a friend, so it was easy to feel comfortable with my feelings. Unfortunately I realized to late and before we had a good chance, he went away to collage. If he lived here, I would try to figure something out though.
And then with N. He's more complicated. I think I had a crush on him the first day I saw and heard him at church, when I was in 8th grade. I hadn't talked to him, and so the first time we were actually introduced in 9th grade I already had something for him and that grew. Maybe i'll right that whole story later, but in 10th grade I finally got over him and started dating Tyler. Those 8 months were nice. I was just friends with N and felt happy with that. I was able to even realize that I loved N, but again friendship wise. I'm not sure where I am now. I started liking him again a few months ago, but now i'm not sure (after all it had been 5 months). But my point was with both H and N, I feel I could have a solid enjoyable relationship because of our history and previous friendship.
It's kind of a scary thing to think about however, because it's sort of hard to find someone who you are able to feel content as friends with but then later want to be with. It takes time. I have known H and N both for more than 3 years. That's a long fucking time to wait just to find a good relationship. But who knows maybe i'll come around to Josh M. HA that would be interesting... But for now i'm ok with being single. Maybe i'll cave in just go after the chase, and have "flings". The only thing I will miss is not having someone to spend my time with.
I just wish N would actually follow through on that Sushi.
And then with N. He's more complicated. I think I had a crush on him the first day I saw and heard him at church, when I was in 8th grade. I hadn't talked to him, and so the first time we were actually introduced in 9th grade I already had something for him and that grew. Maybe i'll right that whole story later, but in 10th grade I finally got over him and started dating Tyler. Those 8 months were nice. I was just friends with N and felt happy with that. I was able to even realize that I loved N, but again friendship wise. I'm not sure where I am now. I started liking him again a few months ago, but now i'm not sure (after all it had been 5 months). But my point was with both H and N, I feel I could have a solid enjoyable relationship because of our history and previous friendship.
It's kind of a scary thing to think about however, because it's sort of hard to find someone who you are able to feel content as friends with but then later want to be with. It takes time. I have known H and N both for more than 3 years. That's a long fucking time to wait just to find a good relationship. But who knows maybe i'll come around to Josh M. HA that would be interesting... But for now i'm ok with being single. Maybe i'll cave in just go after the chase, and have "flings". The only thing I will miss is not having someone to spend my time with.
I just wish N would actually follow through on that Sushi.
WOW. Big day. I got up at 6 o'clock to drive back from Indi and to see N. And I did, for the first time in 5 months we hung out... sort of. But that is a full time brain buzz. I keep thinking about him. Not romantically, just how much I like him as a stupid great terrible person. Then I also ended things with J. Not just because if N, I had been planning to for a while. I told him I was in love with someone else. Which is pretty much true. I'm in love with H and N, and then a bunch of other guys. I'm really in love with the chase. And so in a major sense I am in love with someone else, I just don't know who.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Three
I have a boyfriend. So it's really sad that i'm hoping to find a spring break fling, when I go to the beaches of Alabama next week. Maybe I'm letting myself wish like this because I know it will never happen. Come to think of it though I've never been satisfied with the person I'm with. I wonder why that is. My instructor talked about how some people are addicted to love. She said that they love the rush they get when it first happens. She told the class about a friend she had that had 3 failed marriages because of it. I don't think I'm addicted to love, but I'm starting to worry that I might be addicted to that 'cat and mouse' game between people. That part when they first start developing feelings, and everything's flirty and fun. I really hope I'm not addicted to that, but when I think about it, I realize I sort of crave it.
I think one problem is that relationships are easy for me. I know what to say, and how they work. As long as I'm myself I could make a relationship work with probably 60% of the male population. But making it work, doesn't mean I'm happy. So I wonder if, when I'm in a relationship, I think that I might be happier with someone else. But if I have this mentality, that means in every relationship I will always be second guessing, and I will end up ending a good thing just because I think I MIGHT have the potential to be happier with someone else.
This fling I wish for, is something I want because I feel like I can be purely happy, for a certain period of time, and then leave. No time to second guess, and no way to have a relationship that I will end up leaving anyway. I'm tired of this cycle. I don't like potentially hurting people. But thankfully I know how to handle it. I know what to say to make things better. Unfortunately that's what allowed for it all in the first place. I have to figure this out, and how to get better, or I'm going to end up with 3 failed marriages too.
I think one problem is that relationships are easy for me. I know what to say, and how they work. As long as I'm myself I could make a relationship work with probably 60% of the male population. But making it work, doesn't mean I'm happy. So I wonder if, when I'm in a relationship, I think that I might be happier with someone else. But if I have this mentality, that means in every relationship I will always be second guessing, and I will end up ending a good thing just because I think I MIGHT have the potential to be happier with someone else.
This fling I wish for, is something I want because I feel like I can be purely happy, for a certain period of time, and then leave. No time to second guess, and no way to have a relationship that I will end up leaving anyway. I'm tired of this cycle. I don't like potentially hurting people. But thankfully I know how to handle it. I know what to say to make things better. Unfortunately that's what allowed for it all in the first place. I have to figure this out, and how to get better, or I'm going to end up with 3 failed marriages too.
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